I am a highly sensitive person and I was insensitive today.
I hurt a loved one’s feelings. It was not intentional or out of cruelty, but I was very thoughtless.
My loved one opened up to me a short while ago about how lonely he was feeling. I was distressed when he told me his feelings of loneliness.
They were deep feelings. I was concerned.
Determined to help fend them off, I told myself how easy it would be for me to contribute by calling or sending a text to help build him up. That was Sunday.
By Tuesday, I was busy at work. Once home that evening, I had laundry to wash, and a 7 year old to run to swimming lessons, and other chores around the house to complete.
By Wednesday, work stress had me frazzled and preoccupied, as it always does when other staff are on vacation. My workload there increases greatly.
I didn’t have a moment in the day to breathe, let alone to think of contacting anyone. I had to stay late, then rush home to think of something to make for supper.
Make supper – which then is the start of what I lovingly think of as my “make supper – take kid swimming – come home – get kid to bed – clean up kitchen – collapse onto a soft surface” summer evening routine.
On Thursday, again, busy. Same story, different day. By Thursday evening, I heard from my loved one.
He was hurting because I had not made an effort with him even after he had expressed his loneliness to me.
I had an instant reaction inside my head. A large part of me bristled and felt very defensive. My initial thought was that “it’s been four days!”
I had to bite my tongue from saying those words. Another part of me was impatient and frustrated. Suddenly, I viewed this as an extra task on my already full plate. An obligation.
It was easy to let my mind snap into an insensitive groove – that his feelings are not my responsibility. And doesn’t he realize how much pressure I have on me. And what about giving me a little more time than four days?
In essence, those statements are all true. His feelings are not my responsibility to fix. He doesn’t realize how much pressure I have on me, and how hard it is for me to juggle everything I have to do because he doesn’t live my life.
And four days…it’s not really enough grace period to give someone in trying to find a new routine.
But, I can say those things rationally because I am not caught in the midst of feeling desperately lonely, like he is right now. He initially opened up about his loneliness because he was desperate for a life-line of support.
I had willingly, eagerly claimed I would throw him that life-line, but instead had turned my back and prioritized having clean dishes.
Insensitive.
As a highly sensitive person, I’m naturally sensitive to other people’s feelings. Sensing emotions as though they are an undercurrent in a body of water.
I can feel what another person is feeling as though it were my own emotion. Take pride in being conscientious and considerate towards others.
I care about what other people are feeling, sometimes too much. And I try my best to be kind and compassionate, and usually, it comes easily. Compassion is my natural stance.
One thing I have noticed, however, is that I will occasionally slip into this kind of insensitivity if I have hurt someone else.
When I do slip into insensitivity, my immediate reaction is to try to justify that insensitive attitude. Subconsciously, I will use my HSP ‘status’ as an excuse.
I will find myself approaching a situation from the angle that because I am “better” with emotions than the other person, which means that my perception is right and theirs is wrong.
In addition, I have found it easy to approach things from the attitude that as HSP, during a conflict, my feelings are most valuable.
For instance, in the situation above, it was easy for me to be upset with my loved one. He had spoken his hurt at my actions. This had now upset me, the sensitive one.
It was easy to let my upset become my focus and my priority.
These are not conscious thoughts, but without my realizing it, they are there underneath. If I am not careful, they affect how I react and respond to the people I care about. I could easily react from my hurt, getting upset with my loved one at an already low moment. My unwillingness to stop and see things through his eyes caused me to devalue his feelings.
When I step back and am honest with myself, I know why I try to justify my actions. I don’t want to accept the fact that I have hurt someone.
I don’t want to have done something wrong, and caused someone else pain by my actions. Because of my sensitive nature, I don’t like hurting people.
When I do hurt someone, my impulse is to do anything to make it not so.
It is easy to let that impulse cause me to fall into a negative groove. I can convince myself that my perception on how something should feel to somebody else is always the correct perception.
I don’t like the guilt I feel inside when I hurt someone else. So, by justifying my actions, and arrogantly assuming that my view is the only correct view, they are attempts to shove those guilty feelings away.
This attitude is destructive.
Not only is it self-destructive by causing me to have an inflated sense of my own importance, but it is terribly destructive to relationships.
By shifting the focus of importance completely away from his emotions and directly onto mine, I caused a relatively small hurt in someone I care about to grow into a large wound.
I know what it is like to have my feelings ignored and shrugged off as unimportant. It hurts, and it damages. When I neglect to stop and acknowledge his hurt feelings with care, I am inadvertently causing him now to feel worthless and unloved.
I may be HSP, but I am not infallible, my eyes are not always able to see or understand someone else’s pain in the correct way. My emotional opinion is not always right.
And, even as naturally sensitive as I am, I do not always have the correct measure of compassion or empathy. I can be tainted by selfish, self seeking and insensitive motives.
When I embraced my sensitive nature, my drive inside me became to learn to be authentic to who I am.
And, a part of learning to be authentic to who I am involves standing firm in my sensitivity, standing up for it and proclaiming proudly that it is acceptable. That my sensitivity is a good thing.
But, a large part of learning to be authentic is about being honest with myself. I am HSP, but I am not perfect, and I am not always right.
I am a highly sensitive person, but I can be very insensitive.
When my actions hurt someone I care about, rather than instantly jumping to justify what i have done, I need to pause for thought rather than react. I may disagree overall with their viewpoint, but I can still show compassion for their hurt.
Taking a step back is a decision. It is an intentional action, it does not come naturally.
You have to choose to do it. Taking that step back, away from the flood of defensive emotion and instant reaction, only takes a moment, but it’s impact is long reaching.
When I choose to walk in my loved one’s shoes, I acknowledge his pain. Acknowledging someone’s pain is not an admission of guilt.
It’s not an agreement to having done something wrong. No one needs to take on guilt for actions which are not in and of themselves wrong.
Acknowledging someone’s pain is not about who is right and who is wrong.
It is about building and maintaining strong connections with those we care about. It is about recognizing that different viewpoints are expected and are worthwhile.
And it is about valuing the emotions of those around us, even from people who aren’t as sensitive as we are, in the same way we need our emotions valued in order to thrive.
Image Credit: Bert Trentels
Leila Elizabeth
A bend in the road led me to embrace my introversion, and to discover my identity as a highly sensitive person. As I have moved along the path in learning more about who I am, how to take care of myself as an introvert, and how to handle the challenges of life as an HSP - my love of writing has been rekindled and embraced once again. It intertwines with the journey I am on, and is reflected in what I write.
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